Slavery works like that; not freedom. The story above contains the prescription for striking fear in a narcissist by holding up the shining mirror of truth. And if you know you are with a narcissist? Its just he has been so good about making me feel bad if I dont help him out and making it out to be me not loving him. 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. He has drained it! Absolutely! If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. I have tried to set the boundaries time and time again. 15 Ways to Make a Narcissist Miserable - Happier Human I would like to approach him out of concern and not as a bully. Kim writes a lot about taking care of yourself emotionally and physically and I couldnt agree with her more. Whats the answer? I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. It also focus the responsability, in oneself(mua). Furthermore, none of the three quotes you suggested would actually /work/. Matthew and I also go to marriage therapy once a week.this is the therapy that can be super hard, as my husband is such a great liar, charmer, manipulator, etc. He will blame me instead of himself. Hey Welcome Radioactive and perfectly said! If narcissists are sure that theyre perfect, why would they mess with success? As my solicitor said at the time they were far more afraid of her than me. Or just the other day, he said he got a call from Monica, a cheque bounced. Good work Mary! The 2nd counselor I went to by myself(after the couples attempt, where he wanted to be friends) told me he was likely a narcissist. But this seems a weak boundary to me because I cant see when the line is crossed. I cant redo what happened between us and he has no interest at all in making any changes in himself and obviously hes not interested in me anymore and Im wasting my time by trying. There doesnt seem to be anything else I CAN do. I would also suggest that you look at the research that is in about porn and how it affects mens health and well being. He is never wrong and will tell you so. I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. I want to believe them so much. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. Narcissism in itself does not describe rape. I have been married 36 years and most of my married life has been filled with sadness and anger. Ive been involved with a total narcissist. I am far from having a healthy relation with my husband. He has broken up with me in the past when I denied his marriage request (didnt get what he wanted and didnt need me anymore), he appears to take me for granted now with money, and has this idea of our perfect future. 3. 7 Cut off all communication. im from a broken abusuded unluved drug home.my parents were awful.what 1didnt think of that was shady the other1would.they were the greety who took from the week and needy.az long as thier lst dollar was in thier pocket they could care less who suffered.well i do believe in karma.and just in case i may neva get the chance 2 hear or c.i kicked them 2 curb.and all my syblenz.i am the only1 out of 6kdz reached out and got help 4 the hell i lived and seen.but i unlike them have self admitance.i dnt lie or deni i tell it like i c it.that causes waves every where in my life.but i no who i am.i am a mother of 5 beautiful kids and they hear i luv u everyday.and there r reprocutions 4bad choices.and i make sure i praise them when they mk good choices. He knows how to push my buttons to get me so fired up it turns into a raging fight. I went to the attorney with you. Councellors appear unable to help Do they really tell the truth the then. I didnt set boundaries with him because i was so hurt by the sudden death of my husband. You really need the steps in Back From the Looking Glass. He tries to manipulate me and I dont let him. Ann (response 38) hit the nail on the head. Otherwise, you will be spending your life trying to make someone else happy, and unfortunately those days are limited. I do sometimes text my husband if I need to ask something or tel him something he may or may not freak about. She can do so much better and deserves so much better. They complimented you, insisted on your compatibility, and made you feel special. I was with my ex for 23 yrs I tried and tried to support him so we could have an honest and mutually giving relationship I thought I was good at seeing when he was lying but in fact- it was all lies everything the whole relationship. Many narcissists lack self-awareness, so they may try to push you to the wall until they find out what they can get away with. I say he suffers though of course he wont ever admit it. When someone is being selfish and KNOWS theyre being selfish or not accountable for bad behavior, I really want them to understand how mean and hurtful theyre being, and how theyre creating fallacies merely to rationalize it to escape blame. He was physical abuseive at times and pretending he did nothing or I lied or to blame me really messes my self worth up. At the end of these emotionally exhausting talks, I end up talking to him as if he was 7 years old. If I apply your suggestions I am going to like myself and him better. It is always me. Did he just not bond with me and I did with him and that is why this seems harder? to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. I have come out of the fog, realizing how much I have been lied to & manipulatedI had feel under is spell and had the gas lighting tactic used on meand I am wanting him to be held accountable for all the things he has broken of mineat the times he has acted out destroying my personal property. He uses people big time to get what he wants out of life. Say nothing let him think he right since he is gonna thinks he is right anyway. 1)- i feel soo normal after reading all this knowing that there are other people like me, knowing why i have become a horrible woman who is vehemently cursing her husband and getting relief from it. I would like to hear more about how to protect our 10-year-old son. It is not done in an effort to hurt anyone, used with bad intention or control them (the Nar), just to guide the outcome of the situation for the best. I find the advise you offer well intentioned but in my situation my relationship is over. 18 'Habits' of People Who Grew Up With Narcissistic Parents How do I step into a partnership knowing that I realistically do not have a partner? I thought things would change they dont. This is why they move on so easily. He would not be remotely aware of his behavior while leaving. Just a quick note to let you know that reading your material (every bit of it) and then putting it into practice has changed my marriage. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to stay balanced in this relationship and understand its worth. I would never trust another man anyhow so I stay put and just take it as it comes. Who should be the person who deals out his consequences? I guess Id have to print your article and brand it into my head since the other way seems to want to come out of my mouth. Even though our finances (checking accounts and credit cards) as seperate we do live together and as it has been, I end up paying for most of the groceries, entertainment and the maintenance of our home (which I bought in my name only cuz his credit is messed up. You asked me to lend you the money to pay it off knowing that I made some money on the sale of my house, granted I did not have a new job yet after leaving my old one to move and am a single mom of two. Our finances are seperated and always have been but he has been borrowing money from me several times and is paying it back in monthly payments. I am hesistant as his actions around the birth of our boy showed him to be absent and immature with a failure to own his own behaviour. And me in my unrequited love stage and I am married to someone else.Long story and my wife knows about our relationship. This has taken me lots of practice, but as I improve, I feel more and more empowered. And she would gossip about me to my friends. I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. Welcome my channel! Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. Im tired of trying to fix this marriage. Once you give them that negative attention they will hold it over your head. It is so difficult not to become bitter. How much pain! Because for a Narcissist, marriage equals dollar signs. It is really unbelievable what they put you through. She got me conned into coming up here and taking over the lawn and garden. I would really appreciate any input. But really, I am just angry and hurt. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. 1. The love-bombing stage is over. There is something in all of the above in my husband.Actually lots! It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. If money is borrowed I have to ask him to please find a way to make his own money through employment. I am better off without him. Its sad he has used one old gal to get her home. Have we had good times? He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). Clever eh. Keep the love flames going and learn to forget the past. There are steps in The Love Safety Net Workbook that will help you create a home environment that builds attachment and trust. Hi Renee and welcome! You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. The Narcissist's Excuses - Mental Health Matters Cofe Sorry I dont have much time tonight please visit the page here , http://www.narcissismcured.com/12_Steps_to_End_the_Fights.html. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. I relate to alot of what you are saying. I am becoming the woman I was when we met the one he hated. Acter admitting this fi me durung an alcohil binge,he latdr denied. He will never admit hes wrong. I wish my thinking was as clear as yours, but its not. Marie, sorry to hear. 4) During deployment you asked me if I would be OK with your parents moving in with us because they were going to loose their house. Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. Somehow, we r having a long distance relation now, that makes it even more difficult to manage. Once a. There is NOTHING you can do and even attempting to manage is not worth the headache and most times doesnt work anyways. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. It used to be about 70%, and in the remaining 30% he would seem normal and nice. He moved in with me after 2 weeks dating. Understanding Narcissistic Injury - Choosing Therapy I have tried to work thru this with him and have seen a small improvement thanks to the advise from Kim and steve but he is so beyond any reality and reasoning that I have to do what is best for my children and myself. He has money in his name too so its fair. I knew something was wrong, but I was so accustomed to allowing people to disregard and abuse me that I did give it the attention it deserved. I dont know how I managed to get out . I am 38 years old (never married, but have 1 child) and in love with a man for the past 4 years. Per the Johns Hopkins Medicine Health Library, narcissism is a personality disorder, and it's treatable. It is the unhealthy part of their thinking. Thanks to all of you as well. I am wondering why Kim hasnt responded to meI immediately think, as he and his friends do, that it is because I am to blame for his leaving. But when I wasnt getting what he said he got totally and completely frustrated with me, said he didnt have time for this crap in his day so I offered to call her back and handle it and he refused said he would call. The lack of sleep weakens me and the ups/downs instability , paranoid state he was in with aderall I was miserable I could take him it was a life not worth living. Later that day he comes home and tells me what a nice lady she is and he had a good conversation with herwait a minuteshe called him while he was busy at work, misinformed him saying it bounced, he gets all snappy with me and he calls her back all nice with an answer that I providedI feel like he is always the good guy with everyone else, never wants to look bad in front of anyone and yet I know the real him.